just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
