I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
