new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
