Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
A+ Viking dick
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
