I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Too much gin, very little bucket
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
