Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
