Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
