I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
