my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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