And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
