woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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