I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My liver just broke up with me...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
