I'm jealous of your bromance
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
