Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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