everyone is single if you try hard enough
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
