i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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