i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
