Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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