That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
