Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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