There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
