This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
