Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I look better un-naked...
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
