I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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