So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
