I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
