she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
