Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
