So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
