remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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