I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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