A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
