I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
