I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
