Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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