Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
