Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Randomize
