look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize