I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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