I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
