Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
