nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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