I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
