I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
