Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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