I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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