$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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