I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
