This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
how drunk are you?
Several
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
