I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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